i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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