i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
