The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
