I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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