M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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