You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
