I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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