now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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