i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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