my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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