dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
