just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i've created a new STD.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dicks are not precious.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
