I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
