i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
