I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
