Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
