two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
