this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
