we have pet lesbian snakes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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