So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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