Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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