i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
