matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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