My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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