I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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