Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize