Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
