Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
