Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
