woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize