i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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