So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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