I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
