Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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