First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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