Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
