His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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