Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
