I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dignity is for republicans.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
