i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
