My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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