I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He shit in the fireplace
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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