I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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