so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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