If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize