I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
