It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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