Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
