i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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