Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
pop tarts are not kleenex
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
