Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
