At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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