Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
