I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
