I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
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