I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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