i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
