I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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