i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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