Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
