u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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