I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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