He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
