just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
