my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
